The Reason You Crave Pizza [Short Fiction]

This piece is me experimenting with writing dialogue that stands on its own. As for the scene itself, it just ocurred to me one day and I thought it might be interesting :P. Enjoy
-Imran

DISCLAIMER: The following piece is purely my own work. It is not associated with Col’Cacchios, any of its branches or any of its employees. Don’t sue me please.

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The Reason You Crave Pizza by Imran Lorgat

RING

RING

RING

ATTENDANT: Hello, good day, this is Col’Cacchio’s Rondebosch how can I help you?

CUSTOMER: Hi. Is this Col’Cacchio’s?

A: Yes sir that is correct. What would you like to order?

C: Well actually my order was delivered some time ago and… well there was something I wanted to ask you about it.

A: Ah. Was the order satisfactory sir?

C: Yes, yes, don’t worry about that, it was satisfactory. I actually wanted to ask you something else.

A: *pause*

C: You know the box?

A: Yes sir?

C: Well if you could just grab one and take a look. It’s white with this black strip running down. And if you hold it out normally then can see some writing on the black vertical strip that covers the flap.

A: Yes?

C: It says ‘We’re the reason you crave pizza’?

A: Yes sir, I have a box right in front of me. What about it?

C: You’re not.

A: Come again, sir?

C: You are not the reason I crave pizza. Well Col’Cacchio’s isn’t.

A: –

C: Are you there?

A: Yes sir, I’m listening

C: Col’Cacchio’s is not the reason I crave pizza.

A: I am sorry to hear that sir.

C: I mean, don’t you think that’s quite a bold statement. That ‘Col’Cacchio’s’ is the reason I crave pizza?

A: Unfortunately sir I don’t get a say in what goes on the box. I just take the orders and-

C: But you work at Col’Cacchio’s do you not?

A: Yes sir, I do.

C: Then this box is affiliated with your business. This is your concern.

A: I suppose in some way it is, sir.

C: Not in some way. It is.

A: –

C: I am not happy with it. I don’t think it should say that.

A: Sir, I’m sorry that the box isn’t to your liking but-

C: ‘We’re the reason you crave pizza’. I mean seriously now. You don’t even know me and you’re making a claim like that.

A: Sir, maybe if you’d let me I might be able to explain?

C: Alright?

A: Well you know how sometimes advertising can take something that’s an opinion and like turn it into something catchy?

C: No. Explain?

A: Ok well for example, you know KFC?

C: Yes.

A: Well on the boxes of things you buy at KFC, it says Finger Lickin’ Good. But not everyone that buys from KFC actually licks their fingers when they eat it. And not everyone actually thinks it’s that good. But they still put it on the boxes. Because it’s catchy. It’s like a slogan, or a catchphrase.

C: Yes.

A: Well ‘we’re the reason you crave pizza’ is like that. It’s our catchphrase. Well maybe we’re not the reason that everyone in the world craves pizza but, because of us, some people do. So that’s why we use it. You follow?

C: Yes, I follow.

A: Well I’m glad to have cleared that-

C: But don’t you think that’s a little misleading?

A: Excuse me sir?

C: I said: don’t you think that it’s misleading? To use that catchphrase. When you know that it only applies to some people but not to all.

A: Well I guess-

C: You’re generalizing.

A: Sir

C: That’s what you’re doing.  You’re generalizing and you’re labelling people. And you’re labelling me when clearly you are not the reason I crave pizza. In fact, your pizza is not even that good. If it wasn’t that you recommended to me by a friend I probably wouldn’t have even-

A: Just, can you hold on a second sir.

C: But-

A: Just one second.

C: Ok.

A: I’m going to get the manager. And maybe she’ll be able to help you with this issue. Just one second.

A*moves away from phone and calls out* Ma’aaaaaaaam!

MANAGER*distant on the other end of the phone* Yes, what is it?

A*distant* There’s a customer on the other end of the line that’s throwing a tantrum about the pizza boxes. I’ve been on the phone with him for like 10 minutes now and he won’t let up.

M*distant* Jeez, just give him a free pizza or something. We’re really busy up in here.

A*distant* That’s not going to work with this one. Just please Ma’am, help me out. I’m desperate here.

M*distant* Ok just gimme the phone.

*some shuffling on the other end*

M: Good day, this is the manager speaking.

C: This is the manager of Col’Cacchio’s Rondebosch?

M: Yes, that’s me. I understand you have a query regarding our pizza boxes? How may I help you sir?

C: Well you know your pizza boxes are white with a black strip running down.

M: Yes sir, I do.

C: Well if you hold one out normally, then you should be able to see some writing on the black vertical strip that covers the flap.

M: I see it.

C: It says ‘We’re the reason you crave pizza’?

M: Yes, I see it.

C: Well you’re not. You are not the reason I crave pizza.

M*sighs* What would you like me to do about that sir?

C: Well I’d like you to remove it, that’s what I’d like you to do! It’s entirely untrue!

M: Sir I’m afraid we can’t do that. The design on the boxes are set by head office. We can’t change them at the individual branches.

C: But you work at Col’Cacchio’s do you not?

M: Yes, I do.

C: Then this box is affiliated with your business. This is your concern. I am the customer and you are the manager. It is your job to rectify this.

M: I am aware that it is my job sir, but I’m afraid that I’m unable to change the boxes. Is there any other way that I can be of assistance?

C: I am not happy with this.

M: I can offer you a free pizza sir. Toppings of your choice. We can have it delivered within the hour.

C: Hmm… well that does sound tempting.

M: What would you like on the pizza sir?

C: Well I think I’ll take Mediterranean and on half-

M: We don’t do halves sir.

C: Are you f@#king kidding me?

M: Ok tell you what, just for you sir, we’ll do halves. So it was Mediterranean with?

C: Actually I’ve just changed my mind. I’d rather take a Verdure. But on half of it, I want no brinjals, but with additional feta, garlic and chilli. And on the other half replace the mushrooms and red peppers with chicken, avo and olives.

M: Got it sir, that’s one Verdure. Half no brinjals, add feta, garlic, chilli, the other half, no mushrooms, red peppers, add chicken, avo, olives. What’s your address?

C: You’ll find it on the system. I ordered a Margerita with Italian anchovies and olives about an hour ago.

M: Yes sir, I see it, you ordered a Siciliana.

CNo. A Siciliana has Italian anchovies and olives. A Margerita with anchovies and olives has those two toppings in addition to the herbs it usually comes with.

M: My mistake sir. The Rondebosch Oaks, Room 204?

C: Yes, that is correct.

M: Thank you sir, your order will be with you within the hour. We hope you find it to your liking.

C: Good, good.

M: Will that be all sir?

C: Not quite. Which box will it come in?

M: This order?

C: Yes.

M: The same box as before.

C: The one that says ‘we’re the reason you crave pizza’.

M: –

C: Oh Jesus Christ! You people never learn do you!?

M: Sir-

C: How much effort is to send the pizza in a different box. How much!?

M: Sir, please calm down.

C: No, seriously. Tell me. Tell me how much. I want to know!

M: Sir! Please, calm down.

C: This is absolutely ridiculous. I ask you for one thing. For one f@#king thing and you can’t even get it right.

M: Sir!!!

C: I mean, what kind of a pizza place are you? You with your bold hypocritical statements telling me why crave pizza when you don’t even know me from a bar of soap. The arrogance

M: Shut up!

C: What?

M: Just shut up!

C: –

M: Now look, I’ve been patient with you and I’ve tried to be reasonable with you but there’s just a limit to what I can take. Just please, take your free pizza and don’t call here again.

C*sniff*

M: Maybe you’d be better off at another pizza place.

C*strange squeaking sound on the other end*

M: –

C*squeaking sound continues*

M: Sir?

C*sounds like sobbing*

M: Sir are you crying?

C*hangs up*

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

*MANAGER puts down the phone. ATTENDANT has been standing by listening the whole time*

A: Jesus. What the hell was that?

M: I have no f@#king clue.

A: Jeez

M: –

A: Should I still put that order through?

M: Huh?

A: The free pizza you offered him. The half-half Verdure with all those changes.

M: Oh that. Yeah sure… sounds like the guy needs it. Just tell the driver to drop it off at security though. Pay somebody to take it up to his apartment. Just to be safe.

A: Yeah sure, I’ll do that.

M: Jeez, we don’t get paid enough for this crap.

A: Eh…

M: Anyways back to work. This place is buzzing tonight, no slacking on the job!

A: Yes Ma’am!

*ATTENDANT hurries off*

M*Picks up the box and shakes head* ‘We’re the reason you crave pizza’. What a stupid line.

*MANAGER walks off*

 

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